10 things I learned from being the Mother-of-the-Groom

My older son got married a few weeks ago. It was a small, beautiful wedding. The bride was lovely, the groom couldn't stop smiling, the late October day was sunny and unseasonably warm and the vows were heartfelt. But I learned some very important lessons.

1.       This is not my wedding.

 As a Southern woman with a traditional wedding, I thought I knew best how it was done.  In fact, I recently helped with a girlfriend’s daughter’s wedding. And the Mother-of-the-Bride was also organized and eager. We were ready to rumble.

Except, after I generated a spreadsheet of questions, the groom, kindly, gently, told me “It’s not your wedding. We got this.”

What? After all those dirty diapers, PTA nights, reading “How Things Work” for the 1,100^th time and it’s not my wedding!

The MOTB had been gently told the same thing.

We gnashed our teeth a bit and held on tight.  Would they remember this? Would they remember that? How about….

But  gradually we came to accept that it really wasn’t our wedding.

And that it really was their wedding.

And that it was perfectly done.

And that was, in fact, a gift to the both of us.

2.       You will forget someone.

When I realized I accidentally left a cherished couple off my list of potential invitees after the invitations were mailed, I sat down and cried. The wedding was small, and I thought they were on the list and when I double checked, I found I left them off.  I was devastated.

I told my son, with great remorse. 

He said “It’s okay, Mom. I probably would have included them, but it’s no big deal.”

And it wasn’t. 

They loved him before his wedding.

They still love him after.

3.       That kid that always waits until the last minute is always going to wait until the last minute.

When he was in elementary school, you told yourself he would grow out of it. When he was in middle school, you told yourself he would grow out of it. When he was in high school, you told yourself he would grow out of it.  With every 9:05 pm request for poster paper, every midnight science project, every “I left my book at school and the book report is due tomorrow and I haven’t read it, will you drive me back to school and maybe the custodian will still be there…”, I comforted myself with the conviction that my kid would grow out of it.

My younger son was tapped to serve as best man. He flew from California to stand by his brother’s side. His brother and future sister-in-law purchased a jacket, pants, and an orange bow-tie for him. So he gets off the plane with only his backpack, white shirt inside, and smiles and asks if I will take him to buy shoes.

Of course I’ll take you to buy shoes. Do you need any poster paper?

4.        Good shoes are important.

The MOTB and I got the incredible opportunity to dress shop together for our dresses. It was a blast and I found my dress quickly. But the shoes…..

I can’t wear heels. I sprained my ankle decisively as a teenager playing volleyball at a youth retreat. (I literally stepped in a little hole – can you hear the crunch?)

On Saturday before the wedding, I set out to find the perfect shoes. I warned the Father-of-the-Groom that it was going to be all out warfare until I found THE SHOES.

But then a little voice whispered in the back of my memory: try COMFORTABLE SOLES.

So I did. First. In fact I threw myself on the saleswoman and explained my plight. She asked for a description of my dress. Once I did, she smiled, winked and reached down to pull up the legs of her longish jeans. Behold. The perfect shoes – ones she could stand in all day – ones they had in my size and in black – Danskos with a perky ankle strap.  Sold.

In fact, I loved them so much, I went back this week to tell her how much I enjoyed wearing them at the wedding. She was so overjoyed she embraced me.

Never underestimate the value of good shoes.

5.       Good friends will always be there for you.

The wedding was small and everyone on the bride’s side was from out of town. I wanted to do something for them, but let’s face it, my house with three pugs just wasn’t the right venue.

So my friend Fran stepped in. She opened her house and her heart up to a group of folks she didn't even know! Not only that, she enlisted many of my bookclub friends and more to decorate, cook, serve and clean up. Friends that WEREN’T EVEN INVITED.

The night of the dinner her home and the menu oozed Southern charm. The atmosphere was warm and friendly and the food was delicious. And so much more intimate (and tasty!)  than a meal in the backroom of a restaurant.

Another gift given to me: the care and effort that Fran and my friends put into this event. The pugs are pissed to have missed out, but I’ll be forever grateful.

Me, my shoes, Fran, Zack and his shoes

6.       You can’t please all of the people all of the time.

Nat and Lilly’s wedding was held at the Walnut Creek Wetlands Center in Raleigh. I was delighted when I visited the venue for the first time. This contemporary center has versatile meeting (wedding) space, a covered porch perfect for vows or conversation and is nestled in among a lovely stand of trees. In late October this provided a natural, colorful backdrop for an intimate wedding. It was charming.

This is a conversation I actually had immediately before the wedding.

Friend: Boy, you will be glad when this wedding is over, I’m sure it cost you a lot of money.

Me: No, actually, Lilly and Nat paid for everything themselves!

Friend: Oh. Guess that is why they held it here.  

7.       How not to be a mother-in-law.

I do believe my mother-in-law loves me, but she is not always a gracious woman. I remember one trip to the beach in which she said to me: “Jackie, I don’t know why you are so self-conscious about being out here in your bathing suit. There are plenty of women fatter than you are.” 

The post wedding comment after the slide show which displayed pics of me as a young mom went something along these lines: “Boy, Jackie sure packed on the weight after she had those children.”  Yes, I guess I did, TWENTY FOUR YEARS AGO…..

I promise not to judge my daughter-in-law on looks. In fact, if my perfectly sized daughter-in-law grows to be the size of a freak show fat lady, I will never comment on it. Because I love her. And because I know what’s important. She loves my son. And what could be more important than that?

The Bride

8.       You will bond with the Mother-of-the-Bride

Frankly, and with no offense to the dads, no-one loves the Groom like the Mother-of-the-Groom and no-one loves the Bride like the Mother-of-the Bride.

And then someone does.

And it’s magic.

And the Mother-of-the-Groom and the Mother-of-the-Bride both know it. And their hearts are warmed. And no-one, no-one can really appreciate that as much as they will.

The MOTB and the MOTG

9.       Take tissues

I have the reputation of being the crybaby in the family. Hallmark commercials, puppies, old couples. They all get to me. Don’t even get me started about BIG HERO 6.

So when the Mother-of-the-Bride handed me a gift the night they arrived for the wedding week I was grateful to find it was a UNC tissue holder, perfect to have Earle tuck in his pocket for me.

And I did need them. And Nat took a few and tucked in his coat sleeve, just in case.

Lilly can attest (she was facing me during the vows ) that I had big old salty droplets just rolling down my face. There was some audible crying coming from across the aisle, so I did the adroit, let-me-rub-these-tears-in-my-face-and-no-one-will-be-the-wiser-cause-like-I’ve-just-been-peeling-some-onions-in-this-fancy-purple-dress move and I’m sure no-one was the wiser.

But I knew those tissues were there. Ready. Even if maybe I was going to have a post vow meltdown.  

Tissues=good planning.

10.   It’s all just frosting.

Two people meet. They fall in love. They decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together. That’s the cake – whipped up with love, commitment, joy and hope.

Everything else is just frosting.

Good cake doesn't really need frosting. If it’s there – that’s great. But it’s not essential.

So to future MOTGs and MOTBs everywhere: RELAX and ENJOY.  They got this.

The Bride and Groom