Why I don't cook.

I am quite sure people look at me and  say "boy, I bet she can cook". I am well rounded 50 year old woman, figuratively and literally. I love good food and I am not shy about telling you so. I am from the country where all there is to do is cook for potlucks and funerals.

I visit with my mom in the country 8 nights a month to help out. The other 22 or 23 I live in the Triangle, work full time, have a house full of college students and dogs and never slow down.

So picture me, in my childhood home, happily cooking a scrumptious meal for my mom and I to share on a chilly autumn night.

Well delete that picture right on out of the camera.

Cause I really can't cook.

My secret is, I get bored.

And food burns.

Ask my husband, who unless we are tucked into one of our favorite restaurants, can be found with a "Kitchen Bitch" apron strapped on and cooking for dear life. Cause I can't.

I try....and I get bored. and I go to swap out laundry or get the mail. And it burns.

I deny it. But it's true.

Let's deconstruct this evening at my mom's. Dinner in 31 easy steps.

1. Drive 7 miles to Piggly Wiggly for simple vegetable beef soup ingredients.
2. Drive home, narrowingly missing possum who darted off the road at the last minute (probably heard I was cooking.)
3. Chop onion (check.)
4. Brown ground beef. (check)
5. Open copious cans of veggies and tomaotes, add to pot. (check)
6 Drain ground beef and onions. Add to pot. (check).
7.Bring to boil (check)
8.Cut heat back to simmer (check)

Here is where things go terribly wrong. I have failed to realize I am using an aluminum pot. I have also failed to realize that this range does not immediately drop it's temp.
9. I fetch a book.
10. I start to read, sitting 3 feet from soup pot.
11. After a bit I glance up at the soup pot. Oddly it is still bubbling furiously. TOO LATE! 
12. Remove pot from eye.
13. Ignore burning smell.
14. Scoop out scorched veggies.
15. Taste. Assure myself it only tastes funny because it is so hot.
16. Apologize to my mother.
17. Serve.

Here is another bad bit. My mother is the kindest, most thoughtful woman in the world. She never criticizes. She says gently "it's not bad."
This is the kiss of death. I know it is awful.
We choke it down.

18. Clean fying pan (check.)
19 Empty pot of leftover soup to save for tomorrow.
20. Splash soup all over new pink T-shirt.
21. Drop everything, run to the washing machine, strip off shirt, thrust in machine. Go back in the kitchen because the Tide is quite obviously stored in the kitchen under the sink and behind all cleaning products. Kneel  and remove cleaning products, snag Tide, run back to washing machine where tomato based soup is marinating my pink shirt. Pour in a huge, overflowing scoop while standing in front of curtainless windows.
Run to find suitcase with clean shirt.
22. Scrub pot, the bottom of which looks like it has been cooked out of for 3 years by a band of hobos over a wood fire.23. Scrub pot some more.
24. Throw scrub water outside because I am afraid to pour down drain.
25. Rinse and scub until the new copper scrubber looks like it was used for the Gulf Oil Spill cleanup.
26. Scrub and scrub and scrub.

27. Breathe deep. Pot is clean.

28. Head to fridge and thank the Lord that Miss Janie made us a gorgeous lemon meringue pie.
29. Cut a slice for mom.
30. Cut a slice for me.
31. Enjoy.

So take a lesson from that possum. If you hear I'm cooking, run away. But if you want to share a wonderful meal with me....well...let's eat out!